Four years ago, I was giving birth to our first child, and it took THIS LONG for us to accidentally smear poop on the wall by our changing table. Paul for the win.

(1-mo-old Annie, who never rubbed her dirty butt on the wall)

To concerned parties, an update: the big-kid beds are a huge success so far, and kids have remained in them like docile lambs until their reverse-alarm clock turns green at 7am. After confiding her fear that scary monsters would have easier access to her, Annie bounded out of bed the first morning and reported cheerfully, “Nothing ate me!”

Mom moment: During Annie’s sick-day-at-work, we left the office once to walk a lap around the Tower in the pretty sunshine. Typically, Annie sneezed as soon as she looked up at the bright sky. Because she was sick, she also ejected two bullet trains of snot. And since I had not had the foresight to bring tissues, I just pinched the whole wad of mucus off her face with my fingers. I smeared them clean on the sidewalk, and dabbled them through the shrubbery to finish the job. I like to think a 19-year-old sophomore witnessed this and learned something about life.